I Regret Nothing
by KnitFreak
Summary: These don't follow the characters personalities. You know what this is. This is literally drunk texts I have sent, received, or seen online. That is the entire premise of this story. In fact when I came up with this I was probably drunk. I was probably shot gunning red-bull and vodka.


AN: These don't follow the characters personalities. You know what this is. This is literally drunk texts I have sent, received, or seen online. That is the entire premise of this story. In fact when I came up with this I was probably drunk. I was probably shot gunning red-bull and vodka.

I regret NOTHING

When the Headmaster asked to see him Draco was instantly suspicious and rapidly thought back to everything he had done wrong in the last two months to try and think of something that might warrant him being asked to come to the office. _'Then again this isn't even the Headmasters office. This is just some random room.'_ His confusion only grew when he opened the door to see not only the head master but a man he had never seen before and his three mortal enemies.

Seeing the look on all four of the student's faces Dumbledore stepped forward smiling and set the fourth chair a little farther away from the other three, "Thank you for joining us Mr. Malfoy, and before any of you ask no you are not in trouble."

"Yes I will explain everything," added Dumbledore turning away from the four students as they opened their mouths to ask why they had been asked there. They all shut their mouths as the Headmaster turned and spoke quietly with their guest who nodded a few times and started unpacking his briefcase. The four students tried to see what was being taken out of the case but the Headmaster cleared his throat bringing their attention back to where is should be.

"Once he knew he had their attention he began, "Now then Mr. Parson here is with the Muggle Science division has recently combined both magic and muggle science to open a hole in the fabric of time and space to another alternate dimension." For once the four students shared a 'why the hell are we here?' look with each other before looking back at Dumbledore.

"Your confusion is justifiable," chuckled the Headmaster. "You see they were only able to line up one dimension and it is much slower in some ways but in others is much faster."

"That doesn't make any sense at all," blurted out both Ron and Draco.

Dumbledore opened his mouth as if to explain but stopped and just let his head tilt to the side as if agreeing with them. Not hearing the Professor explain Parson turned and cleared his throat, "None of you have been born yet. Your parents are still at Hogwarts, but the year in that time is 2020."

The students soaked up this information for a moment before Harry spoke, "this is all incredibly interesting and all but,"

"Why are we here," interrupted Draco finishing Harry's sentence.

"We wanted to bring someone through the portal and speak with them, but we need to pinpoint them. The best way is for a genetic match, and even then it is a shot in the dark. The only three that we were remotely able to get a read on was Luscious Malfoy, James Potter, and Arthur Weasley. The only reason Ms. Granger is here is to help simplify for you three."

Before the three boys could argue about he insult to their intelligence Parson stepped to the side and they saw what Harry and Hermione thought it looked like a flashlight. Parson turned the flashlight-esk instrument on and a beam of light shot out and hit the wall, but it seemed to open a tunnel on the stone wall. "Mr. Potter please come here we will try and bring your father through first."

Harry stepped forward cautiously only to have the headmaster push him forward a little more quickly. Parson didn't seem to notice as he took out a needle and pricked Harry's finger and wiped it with a small piece of gauze. "You can sit back down now," said Parson in a bored tone as he placed the bloody gauze into a small compartment of the flashlight. Parson clicked the compartment closed as pressed another button on the side of the device.

The flashlight didn't seem to do anything at first but then suddenly a thin green light shot from the center and into the tunnel. Suddenly they heard screaming coming from inside the tunnel as someone was pulled to the entrance of the tunnel. Obviously he looked a great deal like Harry only at the moment scared out of his mind.

The man from the minestry stepped forward, "Ah Mr. Potter thank you for. . ."

"WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED! WHERE THE FUCK AM I! AND WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!"

"James please calm down," said the Headmaster seeing that Parson clearly lacked in basic human interaction. James clearly recognized the Headmaster on some level and calmed down enough for him to explain what was going on.

To everyone's surprise he took the news far better then any of them would of. In fact after it was explained he almost seemed bored as he kicked another chair over so he was across from his alternate reality son. "Never thought they would actually go through with that crazy experiment," sighed James. "What do you need to know? As long as you can send me back I really don't care."

His new found ease seemed to make Parson happy as he got out his pen and a note book, but before he could ask any questions a loud buzzing came from James's pocket. "Oh sorry, hang on." Taking out a black rectangle James flipped it open, stared at it, and then started to push buttons on it. "Just Arthur asking what the fuck just happened. He was walking past me."

"Your communicating with people in your other dimension?!" asked Parson excitedly.

"Uh yeah," said James in a voice that clearly said, 'duh'.

"Is there anyway that I could talk to them through your device as well," asked Parson clearly liking the idea of getting to speak with more then just James.

"Gimmie a minute," sighed James as he stood up and pulled a cord out of his pocket, plugged one end into his phone and pointed the other end to an empty piece of the wall. Suddenly there was what looked like flames on the wall. "Okay that is my phone when i get a message it will appear and all of you can read it and what I send back."

_ArtW: Nice to hear your not dead but dude that one creepy Hufflepuff chick is glaring daggers at me. Like srsly I think any minute my eyes will start leaking blood or something._

"So is that Arthur Weasley?" asked Dumbledore.

"Uh yeah," said James in a dismissive tone, "Everyone pretty much has everyone's number." The second part of his sentance being really slow since he was texting back.

_JP: what did you do?_

_ArtW: I don't know! I can't remember! There was a party in the dungeons last night_

_JP: . . .why the fuck wasn't I invited?_

_ArtW: you had detention remember._

_JP: . . .fuckers. . . okay whatever gimmie a second_

James looked up at Parson and said, "I will help with your questions and things in a second gotta do something first so just sit tight." Parson seemed annoyed but it was obviously that James wasn't going to do anything for him as he was already ignoring the man and typing on his phone.

"Who is LM?" asked Hermione as she watched James select the abreviation.

"Luscious Malfoy. It was a Slytherin party so you know he had to be in the center of it," explained James as he typed.

_JP: yo Malfoy what happened at the party thingy the other night?_

_JP: ..._

_JP: ...dude?_

James looked around a little nervously since everyone in his dimension were glued to their phones and the idea that someone wouldn't answer was almost unheard of. Finaly his phone buzzed again and the window popped up.

_LM: sorry what?. . .party ummm. . yeah I don't know in fact I kinda wana know that to._

_JP: dare I ask why?_

_LM: because I just woke up in the Ravenclaw bathroom in a tub completely naked holding a cup of pudding. _

_JP:. . . ._

_LM: I'm also covered in taco seasoning, and sour cream. . . please gods let that be sour cream._

_JP: omg_

_LM: *licks* it is_

_JP: OMG! . . . .okay never mind I'll ask someone else._

"God that fucking freak," said James out loud to himself. "Okay who else. . . who else that would stay semi-sober? Lilly. Lilly is responsible. . . on Mondays."

_JP: Lilly please tell me you didn't go to the dungeons last night._

_Lil: I regret nothing_

_JP: . . . _

_Lil: just tell Sevy I'll give him his 10% later_

James pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, "looks like I am texting Snape then." He stopped to and glanced at everyone before saying, "You know how I said Malfoy was a freak. Yeah not really, he is normal compared to Snape. Snape is a fucking freak."

_JP: Snape what happened at the party._

_SS: omg you had better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be texting me at 7:00am._

_JP: just answer the fucking question you twit._

_SS: . . . Judging by what I am wearing, what I've covered in, the taste in my mouth, and the fact that one of my hands is still handcuffed to the bed. . .Bad choices, body shots, sex and shame._

_JP: . . .What are your wearing?_

_SS: Your girlfriend's uniform._

James stopped and just started at his phone for a moment before he was able to type back.

_JP: what_

_SS: Well it could be some other Gryffindor girls uniform, but I know she had thigh high socks on last night. _

_JP: I swear to god if you fucked my girl. . ._

_SS: technically she fucked me._

_JP:...WHATS THE FUCKING DIFFEANCE!_

_SS: the part where we swapped clothes and she chained me to the wall and fucked me with a strap-on and made me scream that I was her bitch._

_JP: . . . well my feelings are very conflicted right now._

_SS: mine to. mostly the part where she took Malfoy's pimp cane and proceeded to make me her whore_

_JP:. . . ._

_SS: plus side is I got a grape lollipop_

_JP:. . ..okay I am just gonna pretend the last like 10 texts didn't happen. You know what happened to Malfoy and Weasley?_

_SS: Last time I saw Malfoy he was on the portable stripper pole Belletrix brought. Don't even remember seeing Weasly, but I was blind folded at one point. . . oh and tell Sirius what the definition of a safe word is!_

_JP: okay I am gonna stop talking to you now._

"What the fuck were they drinking last night!" James yelled at his phone. "Ever-clear, Absinth and carpet cleaner cocktail!" James glanced up at everyone's stunned faces and tried to give them a nervous smile, "Well I guess I kind of warned you. Though honestly he usually isn't that bad. I mean he is bad most of the time, but not 'smoking led paint chips' bad. . . . general." James's calm demenor left quickly as he looked back at his phone muttering, "fucking little cock-sucker I am going to kick his ass."

_JP: Hey Remmy please tell me you acted as a DD at the party last night and can give me details._

_Rem: FWD - Note to self remember that Longbottom is your new drug dealer_

"Fucking really!" snapped James. "Fuck I wish I had been there. Remus never looses it at parties normally." James stopped talking to himself before he turned white and quickly typed in another contact.

_JP: are you alive_

_Siri: I may have done some regrettable things_

_JP: yeah no shit Sherlock you had sex with Snape_

_Siri: . . .that was actually one of the better parts_

_JP: out of morbid curiosity I want you to explain._

_Siri: He screams better then a porn star, and likes biting._

_JP: . . . okay better question what was the low of the night_

_Siri: Probably the part when I pushed that hot slytherin girl off the "stage" and started reciting sham wow commercials for the crowds entertainment._

_JP: Yeah I'm not touching that_

_JP: Oh yeah and Snape said to learn what a safe word is_

_Siri: lying bitch, he loved it._

Not even looking up from his phone James sent a double text to both Weasly and Malfoy, and quickly received their answers.

_JP: Assume you shamed your family and country last night_

_ArtW: thanks Captain Obvious_

_LM: I can live with that_

Finally James closed his phone and looked at them, "So you had questions?"

"You know maybe we should do this at a different time," said Parson closing his notebook.

"Whatever your choice send me back then," said James in a bored tone.

Parson nodded before walking over to Draco and pricking his hand like he had Harry's. "You are going to be near Luscious Malfoy when you go back."

"He better be clothed by now," muttered James to himself as a line of green shot into the tunnel again before coming out again and pulling James into the tunnel.

Once James was gone and the tunnel was closed Parson sighed, "I don't know if there is anything we would want to learn from that dimension."

"I wouldn't mind knowing how they mix there drinks," said Dumbledore in an offhanded manner.

AN: Okay review if you want me to add another crazy drunk text chapter or just in general a frat house-esk chapter. I could do something with this so it wouldn't be to much trouble. In all honesty this is procrastination of things that I should be really working on and this was just a lot funnier to do.


End file.
